Friday, March 20, 2009

Woman Seeks God


The second step of the twelve is "Came to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity". This step means finding a god one can work with. I've done various treatment of God but this time around I decided to place a personal ad on Craig's List under Missed Connections. Fifteen hours later, I haven't received a response, but it was a really interesting & revealing exercise because a) I had to sell myself, b) in essence, I asked God for a life. Should he be willing to give me one, of course the only possible reciprocity is to {gulp} give mine to him.

As goofy as all this sounds, I'm kind of moved by what I've done.

***

Seeks God – female – 52 – Brooklyn

Me: female, tall, zaftig but losing weight; dark hair graying; navy blue eyes; best smile; great voice. Fabulous sense of humor, talented & successful writer, Labrador/reading/movie/ballet-loving, earnest. I give the best presents & always remember birthdays. I have enough money to live moderately. I love my parents and my family, and they love me back, even though I confuse the bejesus out of them. Dogs like me. I have a lot of friends but none locally who will motivate me to get out & do stuff. I like tchotchkes, especially things that remind me of my childhood, & tend to buy too many books, movies, music & Barbie dolls. Very passionate. Prefer mountains to the ocean & want a hiking-camping companion.

You: beats me but my Catholic childhood tends toward male. Tall, strong, magical, warm eyes, best smile, great voice. You must have the perfect sense of humor that also accommodates mine, be as rich as, well, God. Inspire me to write & relieve my fear of it. Give me best presents & remember my birthday -- especially that I don't feel 52 & that it's a sore day for a kid who is adopted & feels congenitally unwantable. You must make me feel wanted, necessary & loved at all times & so well that I will return same. Be my best friend & teach me how to have fun. Suggest a movie or massage or season tickets at NYCB & I'm there. Indulge my weaknesses but not my dis-eases. Of the latter, you must slowly but certainly relieve me. You are passionate about all things, worlds, people, plants, animals & space dust, but you are most passionate about me & will teach me how to use & enjoy my passions. Help me plan & go with me to the Cascades, Fatima, the Rockies, Prague, Ireland, Yorkshire, Cambodia, Venice, Budapest, Krakow, Bath, Nova Scotia, Gettysburg, Transylvania & New Orleans. Be so much fun & so into me that I forget my jealousies, lost opportunities, vanished friends, the dead, the men I still have a sore spot for. Shield me from insults, fear, giving too much when I have too little to give. Hand me energy drinks when I need them and read me to sleep at night.

Willing to relocate -- you must be as well.

***

The code I had to type in to publish was, interestingly, “go Dolores” – Dolores means “sadness”.

***

I must add that I had this brain wave during a melanch0ly dog walk after two days of living someone else's obsessions for a good cause. I will have failed to accomplish what she wanted, which was to get a dog a home instead of back to the shelter. I was walking with all my own adoption issues, praying for the dog, feeling extremely lonely & abandoned to the inevitable flack that comes with writing for brooklynheightsblog.com.


At the end of the long block that these thoughts & feelings filled, Daisy began to play tug-of-war with her leash, which drives me crazy & very dangerous. I felt too weak to hang on to the leash & I stumbled slightly. She immediately let go & poked her head between my legs in what we call the tunnel-of-love, in which she threads through my legs for a butt rub. She was very concerned about that stumble (she gets hysterical when I actually fall).

We met A. outside my house & chatted about what's going on with her & with this dog. At the end of the conversation she reached out & rubbed my arm in what I can only describe as a gesture of warmth. "I needed that," I said. "I know," she answered.

God is in the small things.

Day 37 = 5 weeks. I think 5 weeks sounds better that 37 days.



6 comments:

Bea said...

Go away. You can't come in. I'm shutting the door. I'm afraid of you. I'm not sure who you are anymore. I'm closing the door. I'm staying safe and alone. Batter against it all you like. This house is built on stone. You can't come in. I've shuttered the windows tight. You never say who you are. If it's You, then it's all right, But you might be the other, the beautiful prince of this world Who makes my heart leap with his cohorts and banners unfurled. I could be unfaithful with him without any trouble If I opened the door. He could easily pass for your double. I'v buried my talents. If I put them to use I could hurt or be hurt, be abused or abuse. I wish you'd stop blowing. My whole house is shaken. I'll hide under the covers. Be gone when I waken.

What's that light at the windows, that blast at the door? The shutters are burning, there's fire on the floor. Go away. I don't know you. My clothes are aflame, My tongue is on fire, you are crying my name; I hear your wild voice through the holocaust's din. My house is burned up.
What?
Oh, Welcome! Come in!
Madeline L'Engle "The Irrational Season"

God Bless, Bea

Anonymous said...

Patt J
It's a tall order, but I hope you get what you want.

Anonymous said...

you're right! 5 weeks sounds so much better than 37 days that i questioned your math. then realized that, of course, you were right!

Anne D. said...

[The Voice said:]
"All which I took from thee I did but take,
Not for thy harms,
But just that thou might'st seek it in My arms.

All which thy child's mistake
Fancies as lost, I have stored for thee at home :
Rise, clasp My hand, and come !"

Halts by me that footfall:
Is my gloom, after all,
Shade of His hand, outstretched caressingly?

"Ah, fondest, blindest, weakest,
I am He Whom thou seekest"...


(from "Hound of Heaven", Francis Thompson)


I wish you the best in your seeking.

Debra said...

"God says, 'I am helpless before your indifference.'" (Julian of Norwich).

We must seek Him intentionally and it sounds as if you are, which is a very brave thing to do.

Congrats on your 5 weeks ++.

Cindy...154 said...

I love this and now I have to admit out loud that the other morning I plotted sending my resume to God at several e-mail addresses. I have not done it yet but I planned it out. Just god@yahoo.com and every .com I could come up with. Just a note to God with my resume attached. hmmm. Then I thought of sending a test message first to see who responds. If anyone. Like "are you out there?" Thanks for reminding me. Happy step two and five weeks! Awesome!