Once a year, and only once a year, I change my Facebook avatar from one of my book jackets to a picture of Cupid face down on the ground with an arrow in his back.
Coupled with Fat Tuesday, Chinese New Year and Presidents' Day Weekend, I'm swinging between bitchy and heartbroken.
God, I'm so tired of myself.
OK, so here is what I need to say: a catalogue of all my feelings the last few days:
Glad to be rid of all but two hefty armfuls of clothes I want to sell on eBay.
Glad some bad karma went out the door with those clothes.
A failure for having gained back most of the weight. I kept one dress from my highest weight and when I found it, I tossed it into the Salvation Army bag with a shudder as to how it might fit me now.
Regretful about some of the associations of those clothes.
Angry and resentful about some of the associations of those clothes.
Sad and angry about men I loved who did not love me back.
Heartbroken that my black Lab client is moving to Manhattan on Friday. Great week to break up a marriage, BTW.
Frustrated leading into anger at a freelance project I can't get answers on, including whether I will be paid for it. This is the thorniest feeling. I THINK frustration leads to anger, which leads to self-justification which leads to sarcasm which leads to all the reasons I should be paying my employer for doing a massive project in a very short time. I THINK that's the order. Doesn't matter. It all ends in Ben & Jerry's Key Lime Ice Cream.
Stressed out over the project above, edits for my new book coming in, many dogs to walk, money (loss of Lab = $600 a month).
Wishing I wanted something. Or maybe I do. I wish I had hope. I wish I could be thin, write a novel and be solvent.
Funny: I am where I started in Passing for Thin. Fat. Hopeless. Wanting to write. Only this time, I'd trade freedom from credit cards for the love of my life. Been there, didn't do that.
Thanks for letting me vent. I THINK I got it all out............