Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Tri- Quad - Oh Hell, Pentfecta

Once a year, and only once a year, I change my Facebook avatar from one of my book jackets to a picture of Cupid face down on the ground with an arrow in his back.

Coupled with Fat Tuesday, Chinese New Year and Presidents' Day Weekend, I'm swinging between bitchy and heartbroken.

You think all of this is self-inflated exclusion?  It is.  But I've run into Chinese lanterns, Mardi Gras beads, countless valentines and have a heavy schedule of dogs for the three-day weekend.  I ordered flowers for my father's sort-of girl friend yesterday, wishing he'd asked my brother to do it and order some for me at the same time.  How much fun to get flowers!  How it's NOT going to happen.  I'd go buy them myself but the Bat Cave is mid-disarray after getting rid of almost all the clothes I don't fit.  The project involved so many piles of various destinations that a lot of other things got out of control & I don't know where I'd put the flowers I won't buy myself.

God, I'm so tired of myself.

OK, so here is what I need to say: a catalogue of all my feelings the last few days:

Glad to be rid of all but two hefty armfuls of clothes I want to sell on eBay.
Glad some bad karma went out the door with those clothes.
A failure for having gained back most of the weight.  I kept one dress from my highest weight and when I found it, I tossed it into the Salvation Army bag with a shudder as to how it might fit me now.
Regretful about some of the associations of those clothes.
Angry and resentful about some of the associations of those clothes.

Sad and angry about men I loved who did not love me back.

Heartbroken that my black Lab client is moving to Manhattan on Friday.  Great week to break up a marriage, BTW.

Frustrated leading into anger at a freelance project I can't get answers on, including whether I will be paid for it.  This is the thorniest feeling.  I THINK frustration leads to anger, which leads to self-justification which leads to sarcasm which leads to all the reasons I should be paying my employer for doing a massive project in a very short time.  I THINK that's the order.  Doesn't matter.  It all ends in Ben & Jerry's Key Lime Ice Cream.

Stressed out over the project above, edits for my new book coming in, many dogs to walk, money (loss of Lab = $600 a month).

Wishing I wanted something.  Or maybe I do.  I wish I had hope.  I wish I could be thin, write a novel and be solvent.

Funny: I am where I started in Passing for Thin.  Fat.  Hopeless.  Wanting to write.  Only this time, I'd trade freedom from credit cards for the love of my life.  Been there, didn't do that.

Thanks for letting me vent.  I THINK I got it all out............


Anonymous said...

Wow, I can really relate! Being single and over 45 is tough. And being single so often equals being poor! I took eke out a living, have no current paramour, and struggle with my weight. Hang in there!

Orange Swan said...

Hi Frances. I've read both your books and wish I were half the writer you are.

After reading this latest post from you I have what I hope is a helpful suggestion - that the best way to deal with anxieties, regrets and griefs over the things you did or didn't do, over the people who have hurt you or that you've lost, over problems you face at present and will in future, is to focus on the day you're in, to focus on getting at least a few worthwhile or pressing things done, and to enjoy what there is at present to enjoy.

You may be rolling your eyes at this. I'm sure you've heard it all before a hundred times, and that it sounds quite facile. But I find that for me at least, focusing on the present is a discipline, that I can easily lose sight of how important it is, and that I need to keep bringing myself back to task. I hope this is an insight that is of some use to you.

Anonymous said...

I read your book Passing for Thin about a year ago. I'm not sure why I came looking for you today, but a google search brought me here. And for some reason when I think of you, I think of how you (and how we all) started out: as tiny, innocent babies, worthy of love, worthy of EVERTHING just because we existed. I don't think that's changed. You're worth the effort. You're worth the time. You're worth more than credit card bills. You're worth more than clothes that don't fit.

Hilary said...

There's something so sad about special days and holidays sometimes. Mother's Day if you're not a mom, Valentine's Day if you don't have a partner, Thanksgiving and Christmas with no family. I'm a widow and at 66 I don't think I want the responsibilities of a relationship at my age. Would be nice to just have someone I could pull out of the closet on holidays so that I'd have something to say in response to: "How was your Valentine's Day? Christmas? And so on." And oh how tired I get of "Have a great weekend," "How was your weekend?" blah, blah, blah.