Wednesday, March 25, 2009

And Then, Suddenly, It's About the Weight

Day 40 here but it doesn't feel like it. My experience of my 12-step program is a toss-up between the food, the abstinence & the weight loss. It's supposed to be about the abstinence & most of this God-granted spell has been. Then, Monday, a friend took a picture of me.

& don't you DARE say "What a great smile". I look like a no-neck Stay-Puff Woman. All the days and all the pounds were suddenly for naught as I looked at the wattle hanging off that stranger's face.

Whomp! I'm in how-long-till-I-can-fit land, close allies with how-much-will-I-weigh-when-I-see-so-and-so. It goes from, "Gee, I've lost at least 18 pounds" to "I have just under a hundred pounds to lose." Another ally: "I can do without my fruit and grain at breakfast."

I had a slip last night, which was preventable. I had corned beef in the crock pot and it smelled wonderful. I was also waiting for Go-Geek-Go to come and do things to my computer. I waited. I waited. My stomach growled. He should be here any time. I waited. I felt weak with hunger. Daisy cottoned on to my nervousness and began barking every time the building's front door opened. I waited. At 7.30 he called. He'd taken the wrong street name down & was somewhere on 6th Street in Park Slope. We decided to get together this weekend & I was left bored, with no work done, cabbage that had to be added to the crock, and I was starving By the time I ate, I was on the verge of being out of control. I ate too much. and woke up this morning in that remorse we all know too well.

I had missed part of breakfast yesterday because I was late for the dogs. When I weighed my corned beef for lunch just now, I realized I may not have eaten as much as I thought I did. I did my usual four or five miles yesterday. It's not that big a deal.

But it is. It is because that's not how one eats on my food plan. I could have had a cup of yogurt and a fruit to tide me over until the work was done and I could have dinner. But I didn't. I blurred lines yesterday and I don't like it.

That was AFTER I uploaded the photos my friend took of me. Coincidence? I'm not sure.

I had a good reminder of what I am this morning, however. If you remember, I compare my compulsion to my tender feet: they just are, and either I tend to them or I walk around in pain.

Yesterday, my feet were killing me. To avoid stepping on the balls of my feet, I contorted myself until my lower back and a ham string were also out of whack. I'd shaved my feet less than a week ago so I was pretending it wasn't the callouses on my corns. Like, what's the big deal? My callouses had thickened more quickly than usual and I was in pain. Still, all day, denial.

I hobbled behind Daisy at 7.30 this morning, wincing from my hamstring and my feet. "This is STUPID," I thought. I desperately needed some groceries but they became less a priority than running a tub of hot water, soaking my feet, putting in a brand new razor blade and shaving the callouses. 98% of the problem was solved.

Just as having had an approved snack last night would have almost certainly prevented too much dinner.

I had an email from a colleague this afternoon about how she can't lose weight at this time. I've been reporting my weight losses to her because she's part of the AFG publication team. I wrote back that she would when she was ready & that I'd done this when I was ready.

I also wanted her not to use my current success against herself. I've felt this when friends wre losing weight and I was gaining. And I wanted her to know that for the big pay-offs of my food plan, it's hard work. It's shopping and preparing. It's communicating with my sponsor. It's writing. It's meetings. It's step work and praying. I'm only a C 12-stepper but this is a program that demands work that is inconvenient and hard to fit in. I don't recommend it unless someone can put it at the very center of their lives.

So, danger averted. I didn't binge. I would not look better if I'd weighed my meat last night. Everything takes time. I've done well by dogs so far today & God's in his heaven. No scale for a couple of days. I want to enjoy my jammies that now fit and fit comfortably, and the jeans I wouldn't have dared put on a month ago. I want this day to be Enough and Just Right.


Bea said...

Ain't aging wonderful. Nora Ephron isn't the only one who wonders what happened to her neck. I too have a wattle. The fact that it is a family wattle and all my thin relatives have one too is of no consolation whatsoever. Congrats on 18 lbs. gone. I cannot wait around to eat. If I don't eat at my regular meal times I just go food nuts. Answer..I eat something at meal times no matter what else is happening. Cheers

Unknown said...

I'm having a similar weight-anxiety moment. I had a fitness eval that showed I had further to go than I thought and then spent too much time looking at my chin in the mirror from bad angles.

When I saw that photo I didn't realize it was you at first. It doesn't look like you to me. Add bad angle + bad lighting to the pounds you're already working on.

When you find a method for instant weight loss, please call me and tell me what it is.

Anonymous said...

Congrats on danger averted and jammies and jeans fitting. :-)

Anonymous said...

Congrats on 40 days, jammies and jean fitting, crises averted, writing accomomplished. Please keep posting your journey. Cheers, C/

Anonymous said...

i don't know you, but i admire you. I hope you can keep to your plan if that is what makes you happy.

Anonymous said...

Patt J
The other day I went for a haircut. When she clipped that apron around me, my wattle was horrendous. "What the F happened to me," I remember thinking. I've seen good photos of me, but also some bad ones. Sadly, the bad ones are the ones I carry in my heart. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies, you know?
Keep writing. We hear you.

Laura N said...

Hi Frances, I'm just getting caught up on your blog posts from the past couple weeks. A few random thoughts: Congrats on the continued abstinence & weight loss. I adored your Woman seeks God post & think your Craigslist ad is brilliant. I'm also thrilled for you that your dream of moving to Seattle is going to eventually be a reality. And "I didn't binge" is a victory cry. So proud of you.

Also, I think we ALL look better than photos reveal. I looked horrible in recent group family shots. I refuse to believe it's what I really look like. I want Glamour Shots to come back to our Mall--now those photos I'll agree with. They knew how to make women look good.

I really appreciate seeing your more regular blog posts. Thank you for taking the time to share your life.

Unknown said...

When I started reading this post, I was alarmed at how hard you were being on yourself. I wanted to ask, If your best friend had slipped by eating more than one portion of corned beef after an aggravating afternoon, would you be that critical of HER?

But I loved the way this post ended... with gentleness toward yourself, and wisdom in this observation:

"I would not look better if I'd weighed my meat last night. Everything takes time."

I am on the other end of the spectrum from you when it comes to abstinence right now. I have a lot of stress to do the economy and my job and other things, and I am consciously overeating. I feel horrendous, get out of breath from walking from one room to another, and have one of those bulging high bellies that women get from middle age onward. I know I need to save myself from myself, but when I think of making a plan for rational eating, I get terrified and ... EAT. Dammit!

So I applaud your success so far. And the wattle -- I feel your pain. Mine is more like a Jabba-the-Hutt extra-wide underchin. Neck? what neck? 8-O

Hang in there. I admire you.

bestgrandkidsever said...

Kudos to you and your continued success and good attitude. I love the picture because you're smiling! That is worth a thousand words!

drlisa said...

Frances, as usual you capture what most of us are thinking! I can tell you even with a one hundred pound weightloss I can "beat" myself up when I see photos. I think pictures set off an old "trigger" that can lead to relapse.

I work with eating disorders on a daily basis in my practice and the grip it has is baffling to say the least. As I work my own recovery plan, in a 12-step setting, I have learned no matter what experiences or hurdles we have overcome, or how much education we have, this disease has a mind of its own and we have to "work" our program every second.

I admire you and love your posts! You inspire me, and so many othersthat you are not even aware of!

Thank you! the way...your picture is beautiful!


JS said...

That isn't a flattering picture of your neck, it's true.

It is a flattering picture of your smile.

This callus-shaving thing: have you seen a podiatrist about it? One thing that sometimes happens to some people is that people shave calluses and it spurs growth of further calluses--those people are better served by using a medicated cream than by any kind of cutting tool. This may not be you, but if you're in a cycle of shaving calluses every few days and having pain it might be you.

Of course you might have already investigated all of this and I'm just wasting space on your comments, but if not it might be something to think of. I have a dear friend who was in a really horrible cycle of foot pain and switching to the cream helped her tremendously.

Again, my apologies if this is old or useless information for you.

Cindy said...

LOVE the crocuses!!! glad you did not binge. Photos always mess with my head.

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