Wednesday, March 04, 2009

We Plan, God Laughs

I didn't realize until this morning how much shame I could confess here.

The Bat Cave has very poor lighting. I have a large flashlight that I use at least once a day to read labels or find shoes. Lately it's been in steady use as I've worked on getting my new television & DVD/VCR hooked up & comfortably running. So I blame this on poor lighting.

Oh, & on me, of course.

I blew up during last fall's depression & Christmas madness at my parents' house, so much so that I was literally off my scale, which ends at 250. Last week I was finally at 250. I breathed a sigh of relief. I couldn't tell my sponsor how much I'd lost -- 10 pounds? fifteen or twenty? -- but I had succeeded, at least, in "fitting" my scale.

It was an achievement.

This has been a hard week. I'm cold all the time. Taking Daisy out means fitting her little booties on which is just this side of aggravating. I'm not just walking dogs, I'm climbing through the snow they love to explore. My computer needs a physical & a knee replacement. There's garbage everywhere because of human laziness & because we haven't had the Sanitation trucks for two pick-up days. The dogs are darting after food & after those first pristine hours of heavy snow, the world is pretty ugly.

I haven't gotten any writing done. The time I had for it yesterday I spent looking for a gentle, English-speaking geek who could help me out.

I haven't gotten any writing done. Some kind of deadline for the revised Angry Fat Girls is looming but we haven't settled on one yet. In the meantime, I have a sort of forward to write for it & I haven't gotten any writing done.

I mad. Pissed off. Angry. Resentful. Peevish. Sullen. At myself, the weather, time, obligations, human frailty.

(In the larger picture, the line above is a miracle. I'm feeling these feelings. I have names for them. I've experienced them a lot in the last ten days or so and I've ridden them out. A month ago I would have been feeling them and simultaneously thinking about when & what I could eat to make them shrink. They feel very big to me simply because I don't have the shame & chemical dousing of eating to reduce them. I'm rather proud of my brattiness.)

In that state this morning I thought I'd give myself some good news. Today is Day 19 & my food has been very clean & I'm always walking so I knew that something would have happened since last Thursday.

It had. I'd misread my scale. It ends at 260 rather than 250. I've either gained eight pounds from the number in my calendar last week or lost two pounds if I hadn't been such a dumbass as to not know how her own damn scale works.

I wanted to write about the Indian vegetables I crocked this week, or about how, as the Big Book says, "God is doing for [me] what [I] cannot do for [myself]". Instead, I guess I've just done a small treatment of Step 1: my life has become unmanageable.

& I feel like a fool. A very fat fool.

12 comments:

LG said...

I really can understand how you feel; I've been there and done that (worked hard and what IS that number on my scale? and/or the feeling like a dumbass?).

Like you said, you're feeling things and able to name them. You've handled a lot of added stresses (snow, garbage, booties*). I like and am curious about the Indian vegetables that you crocked. Parts of your life may be unmanageable but other parts are in better shape. Give yourself credit for those things, esp. in this weather and time. XOXO

Anonymous said...

Keep going frances !!!!!! We love you and are in with you for the long run - I am going through the same thing - your blog has been a source of inspiration for me. - keep up the good work

Anonymous said...

Patt J:
I blame so much of my lethargy and fatness on the weather. In Minnesota, it's easy to get lazy and overeat when it's relentlessly dark and cold. The scale proves it. But better days are coming (spring!) for both of us. I admire your courage to admit the things that have gone wrong. It's the first step in making them right. The only person who knows what I weigh is my doctor. I could never tell anyone! Hang in there, Frances. You're okay.

Anonymous said...

I find that I get S.A.D. in the winter here in Canada where it sucks hard. Especially this year. Minus 30 plus the wind - minus 45! For a whole month!
Here is a wiki link. Maybe your being effected? Maybe not.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasonal_affective_disorder

jen said...

You've done something: You've faced The Truth... and/or two versions of The Truth.

My bet is that you misread the scale last week (which doesn't make you a dumbass, your apartment is dark) and that you're down 2. It wouldn't make sense that you'd celebrate finally fitting your scale if the needle was 10 lbs. from the end.

jen said...

P.S. if you want an annoying talking scale, I'd be happy to send my Mary Lou Retton platform to you! It doesn't tell how much you weigh, just how much you lost or gained (and then it gives annoying advice, which is why I predict you'd pitch it out the window in a day).

daisyk said...

Oh, Jen, I can't believe you'd keep such a thing -- or not sell it for scads of nostalgic dollars on eBay.

I should correct misinterpretations. I clearly lost two pounds -- but I also misread my scale last week, assuming 250 for 260.

I'm over it now. I just needed to rant & kind of laugh.

Could someone send us some spring, please?

Anonymous said...

In the meantime, I have a sort of forward to write...

Um, don't you mean FOREWORD????

Anne D. said...

Frances, this is a wonderful observation about your emotionality:

"[My feelings] feel very big to me simply because I don't have the shame & chemical dousing of eating to reduce them."

We emotional eaters "stuff down" our hurt and other powerful emotions by stuffing ourselves with food. I hope that in time, you will enjoy feeling vivid *positive* emotions. And pride in your courage. The battle is not for the faint of heart.

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog and really enjoy your writing. Please keep writing about the hard stuff, your feelings, fat, food, weather, dogs, whatever. I'll be reading. Sincerely, C/

Laura N said...

19 days of clean food--what a wonderful achievement. Each successful day builds upon the next. And you are staying clean in some definitely trying times. Hurrah!

Feeling feelings is damn hard to do. I'm proud of you for succeeding in that, too. I'm fighting feelings every day right now with food & xanax. I don't wanna feel. But the denial's gotta stop soon or my seams are going to start bursting. Oy.

Oh, and I love how critics of blog posts hide behind "anonymous." I, for one, type faster than my brain processes A LOT of the time. So what if there's a mistake on a blog? I hope you don't let Anon. bug you today.

jen said...

No nostalgic dollars to be had, but I will probably give it to Goodwill on my next trip. I have a bag of clothes I've been meaning to drop off. Let them scratch their heads and wonder what it's for.