Sunday, March 09, 2014


I get a little obsessed with numbers.  I just went over my bills and it looks as if I won't make my planned-for reduction of $800 on credit cards this month.  This, of course, means I'm a failure.

I'll fall $150 short of that goal unless I make extra payments, which I could but I'm also counting up what I owe for the next month and wondering this, that and another thing.  When will I get paid for My Other Life?  What will I make walking dogs this week?  Does it really matter if I fall short when I will still have reduced every balance, made no new charges and paid everything on time?

That's the deal with being self-employed: you never know.  I saw posters for a dog walker on the street today and it worried me that I don't have plans to do that at present.  What if this Interloper takes the few available dogs?

There are not a "few" dogs.  There are plenty.  But I'm counting. 

Right now everything depends on taxes, which I'm waiting to hear about.  I have some savings.  Those savings, small as they are, have been put carefully together to: 1) pay taxes, 2) buy a new PC, 3) possibly go on book tour if my publisher thinks it advisable, 4) have my medical deductible on-hand, 5) pay veterinarian check-up, 6) travel when I finally feel like I can do that, which also hangs on the next book project.

It's no wonder I like saying the rosary.  I can count.

What's ridiculous in all of this is that I've never been this solvent before.  This hovering at paying off credit cards has definitely roused anxiety: I stopped going out much to save the money and not add to the balances, and it's also an obsession.  I walk dogs thinking not only about what I'll bank at the end of the week but how long it will take me to be out of debt. 

Debt is one of the few things that has kept me going.  What and who will I be without it?  Another anxiety.

And at 8.20 pm when my body says it's only 7.20 pm, it's an anxiety I need to postpone. 

Short post.  Got to...walk Daisy, I guess.  And wonder what the damage of taxes is going to be.  Oh -- I desperately need a plumber, too.  My kitchen sink is hopeless.


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