Tuesday, May 13, 2008

No Sense

The Black Beast has been upon me today & I don't know why. I have been very nearly "perfect" lately & yet I feel as though I am bad -- undeserving, on the brink of disaster, failing at everything. When I look at this mood intellectually, I see it as both undeserving & well-earned. The net result is that I feel worse yet.

I'm finishing another Day Three of abstinence & perhaps withdrawal is to blame. Certainly the cost of night eating is a source of regret in what could be a meager month. Those Somethings cost a lot of money when it's all totaled up. One of my priorities for the year is to pay down credit cards & save some money for an actual, real live vacation. I've frittered away precious funds.

& of course, I am Fat. A friend took a picture of me in my raincoat yesterday & I shuddered mightily. In general, I'm fairly philosophical about photos. In that one, I was teasing Daisy & Hero with a toy & both dogs were caught in mid-leap. It's a picture of the dogs being teased by me, not of me. I get that. But I didn't like it.

The tiredness I've written about is evaporating steadily but slowly. Saturday was a day of sloth until about three in the afternoon. I'd had extra dogs in a hard bitter rain the day before & I was not getting it together. On Sunday, however, I was in overdrive, fussing with the first big wave of winter-to-summer clothes, vacuuming dust puppies & going through a large pile of New Yorkers to decide what I could toss, what I only wanted to read one thing in & those I'd need more time with. My house is in piles as a result but the piles are the sort I can do something about when I have the next burst of energy. My choice this evening, with the last of my energy, was going to the grocery store & returning some clothes or a laundry pile. I opted for the former & by the time I was done, I'd been walking for three-and-a-half hours straight.

Tiredness feels like the paw of the Black Beast.

I haven't had to wake up to regrets about what I've eaten the last couple of days. I've been praying very hard for the strength to keep my food clean & force myself back into the Rooms. I had dinner with friends the other night, got pleasantly tipsy & ended the evening with fireworks over New Jersey while our dogs scampered around. My hosts have been telling each other ever since what a great dinner party that was, a high compliment to my one-quarter part in it.

I've done some exceptionally good deeds -- taken Hero to her vet when there was blood in her stool, taking her stool to the vet, listening hard to a friend in distress. People tell me I am "good" for these things, that I make the extra effort. A friend complimented the dress I wore to do my clean dog walks this afternoon & told me it's too big -- I'd thought it rather small. I walk the streets mentally kicking myself when I've been giving honest work, good deeds, not as Fat as I want to accuse myself of.

The Black Beast tells me I waste time, playing too much mah jongg when I ought to be writing or reading. I've bought clothes that I hope to have reasons to wear, as a way of not eating, & I'm holding it against myself. I put a buck in my savings account for a clean day, 10% of cash I receive, extraordinary feats such as finishing the book or getting three or ten days together. I've earned my little savings but I don't feel like I deserve them. I have friends I need to call or write but I don't feel up to the effort or that I deserve the treat of conversation.

I don't know where this Black Beast came from, but I wish he'd go back there so I can enjoy the bearded iris & diminishing piles in peace.


Anne M. said...

I suspect that the Black Beast is indeed a result of all the things you already know about, especially being at Day 3. I remember from previous posts and conversations that emotions and behavior get a little squirrely and self-deprecating.

It's totally unrealistic to think that you can leap into life changes without introspection and visits from beasts. Try to just set the bad stuff aside for a little bit, on a top shelf in an open box, while you work on just one thing. Any one thing. Maybe just going to take pics of things you enjoy so you can control the images of those iris.

At least today is sunny. Maybe that will help? Cold rainy days are just nasty.

Anonymous said...

Hrm...I'd agree that the Beast is probably at least partly a function of withdrawal. The weather probably isn't helping either. And sometimes the Beast just shows up without regard to causation...

I hope things get very sunny and lovely for you soon, and the Beast takes himself away in high dudgeon. And that meanwhile, you can remember you really are a good person, regardless of what he says. You touch a LOT of lives in a very positive way. :-)


Cindy said...

Sometimes the Beast just comes. I was talking about it to my daughter today. It comes without warning for me. Sometimes I wake up with it. I recognize it now as the Beast and I try and do things that overcome any self loathings it brings with it. Sometimes I use it to greive my losses. I let sadness flow freely for a while. Or allow myself extra sleep. Or watch funny movies. The one thing I avoid at all cost is the downard spiral of self loathing. But I can't always manage it, I need other people. I am glad you wrote about it. I have accepted it as part of my life, it just does not have to run it anymore like it used to. I am trying to find ways to use it constructively. Since I cannot entirely irradicate it. And heaven knows I have tried. many many things...

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