Friday, August 03, 2007

Trigger[s] -- the Smartest Horse in the West

This is a blog I don't want to write. I've put it off, & then put it off some more. Coincidentally or not, my reasons for not wanting to blog have not abated -- or abated only enough to risk talking about them.

How `bout that latest study on obesity, the one that says it's catching?

That shut me up. I felt like Typhoid Mary: if I talked about Night Sugar I risked spreading the disease.

Or the few times I've felt chastised here: what X or Y think, even if X or Y don't comment. & I don't believe in suppressing comments.

I think about this stuff & -- surprise! A new trigger is found, as well as more reasons to isolate myself from the world.

I've been doing that all over the place lately. I have sound reasons -- 9 p.m. is way to late for me to meet someone with atomic energy; I've had extra & very difficult dogs; I'm swimming upstream on chapter four still. But it comes down to exactly the same thing: people have extended their interest in being with me & I've cancelled at least five times in the last couple of months. One reason I cancel is that I don't want anyone to see me. I'm a mess in general & on a good day no thinner than the last time my friends have seen me. Then the guilt sets in, along with the relief, &...

another trigger appears.

I'm as much a nanny as a walker for my dogs & it seems I'm on call a lot. Emergency overnights, frantic 9 o'clock walks (I'm pretty much trying to go to bed at 9), messages on my machine a couple of hours before I'll need to see the dog. It's hard, if not impossible, to get enough time together to write anything (my book, a post, an email) or do serious housework. By Saturday I'm slack-jawed & it's Sunday that I have the wherewithall to sit for hours with the book.

I feel I have little control, aside from saying no to money I need desperately & risking the loyalty of my clients who depend on me, over my time & energy. I get home between 5.30 - 7.30 after a couple of steady hours of walking dogs & have to buckaroo with Frustration & Not Enough, two more...


I'm full of some emotion[s]. Dunno what what it/they is/are. Don't wanna know. Don't have TIME to know or feel them or deal with them. What better than food to make sure they don't get a chance to surface?

So, yeah: I've been eating. There you go. Simple three-word sentence.

The last two days have been clean of sugar & flour, by the grace of self-disgust. I try every few hours to remember what I've invested in my abstinence so far. Breakfast, dishes, brushing my teeth, anti-depressents; lunch, dishes, doing well by the dogs. It's night that gets me, & it's night + klonopin that kills me.

I've been struggling with this, not simply giving into it. I have a better chance of getting through the Night Triggers if I keep my list-of-things-to-do very simple. It gives less to beat myself up with when, at 8 o'clcock & I'm beat & disappointed & insufficient & lonely, I haven't overwhelmed myself.

Although I perpetually do this simply because my days -- like yours -- are moving targets. "Can you walk Roger?" Sure: no problem (except it's hot & steamy out & that walk will drain 15 minutes of alertness later as well as put off this or that chore). I have to school myself in unpredictability. I can't afford to say no.

It's a matter of a few hours, really. I rarely eat flour or sugar during the day because it makes me too sleepy to handle Boomer when he sees the akita or Roger when he hears the voices in his head. I don't even head for the sugar at dusk. I want it last of all.

I suppose everyone wants their lover coiled around, next to or in them as they fall asleep.


Laura N said...

Night eating is killer. And your last sentence nailed it-- it's the comfort, the love, the enveloping sense of falling into the sugar/flour/fat haze that is so welcome after all the frustrations of the day.

I just wanted you to know I was out here, reading what you wrote. You matter a great deal, to a great many people, including me.

So, I'm thinking of you and hoping for some peace for you today and, especially, tonight.

Anne M. said...

I'm glad you wrote this out, carving some precious time to put emotions and thoughts into written words. You love and adore the dogs but they are a job for you and I understand needing to take on as much as you can because of the extra income.

What I see and know is that, although you struggle with the Night Triggers, generally your food pattern has been cleaner of late and I'm proud of you for that because I know it's hard.

Thinking of you and sending lots of love.

Unknown said...

It was nice catching up with you on Friday. I know what you're saying about not being able to say no but not wanting to say yes either.

Maybe you should do "The Nanny Diaries" but with dogs...

I want to chime in with Laura and Anne and hope that more peace is on its way to you.

Bea said...

You do matter to a great many people. Who have the same problem. A good many of US are isolators. It is frequently just too much danm work to make contact. And without the contact we eat. Also leaving our cream filled Lover is irritating and depressing. So when we do make contact we are mad and sad. Makes US a joy to be around. But those who love us put up with it for the unique joy we offer as friends.

Which pays more teaching or dog walking? Teaching would be agonizing as you couldn't isolate. Teaching might be a blessing as you couldn't isolate. Maybe it is time to offer another of your gifts back to God. Sounds like you were a great teacher.

I add my prayers to the well wishes.

Gallis said...

Thank God you're back!

Anonymous said...

Your post struck a chord with me. We compulsive overeaters/food addicts face an uphill battle--that's why it's helpful not to isolate. It sounds like you are working the same food plan and weight loss program that you have used for some time. I've been there and done that. Someone once told me that if we keep doing things the way we always have, we will get the same result. I listened, and am now doing better and feel less hopeless. Sometimes we need a new game plan. As you know there are many 12-step organizations out there, and some of them have phone meetings. OAHOW has two meetings a week, and FAA has several also(but has a "one size fits all" food plan). I have found the phone meetings and resulting hookups to be very helpful. My best to you, Frances.