Monday, September 26, 2011

Letter to My Sponsor on Day 20

Dear Patty:

I have this terrific need to write out, as closely as possible, what I'm eating and what I'm doing today. I just finished chapter 7. The book is due 10/15. I have decided that my desire always to write 12-chapter books is not necessary to the continued success of the written word so I may settle for 10. I don't know what to write today but I do know it will be painful.

I'm also going out on the academic job market & have much to in setting up a dossier, polishing my CV, asking for recommendations, pulling together a syllabus and looking at job listings.

I've already walked Daisy, Gertie & Emmett while fretting about all of this.  Then I had breakfast:

1 c. yogurt, 1 c. blueberries

Lunch will be: salad, 4 oz. chicken, 1 T oil
Dinner will probably be: 1 c. yogurt, 1/2 c. oats, 1 banana

I have three afternoon walks, at 2, 2.30 & 3. I cannot do them on time because from the 2.30 gig to the 3.00 gig is a long walk. Ergo I will move everything up a quarter hour: 1.45, 2.15, 3. I'll be home by 4. I need to pick up chicken on my way home. I need to stop at the bank & make a deposit & transfer funds.

Here is what my brain does NOT have room for today: going to Verizon to straighten out my accused non-payment (I've done the paperwork, I just don't have time  today and will not have to walk Gert & Emmett on Thursday); justifying my need for emotional space to an online suitor; how much money I will make in October; more than a few check-ins on Facebook; wondering if I've lost weight & when I'l fit some piece of clothing or how much weight I can lose by Xmas & all that chitter; composing academic cover letters in my head.  Just dossier, transcripts & recommendation requests for today.

I will start, as soon as I finish writing this, with calling the Associated Writing Programs and setting up a dossier file, then calling Cornell for transcripts to be sent, and calling my department head at Berkeley for a letter of recommendation.

Then I will consider whether chapter 8 should include my backing off of dating last summer but having my best friend in NYC coming on to me during his Lost Weekend, or whether that's two chapters. I may start it with how well I'm coming to know one of my dog clients and the sort of crush I have on him. I.e., I may skip ahead a year as a stated & hopefully deliberately artful way of avoiding the aftermath of disappointments last summer.

The job stuff may take up the two hours I have until I leave and I may be tired & crappy feeling after the hike across the Heights + 4 flights of stairs. If so, I will settle for setting up the chapter 8 folder, formatting the chapter, and free writing. I walk Gert and Emmett between 6 - 7 & there isn't much time before I have to walk Sandy, at 7.30,  then Daisy,  then dinner & bed.

I really, really need to say these things because I want to see huge progress today & it may not happen. But the day will be successful by staying abstinent, by taking steps toward two big goals, by showing up for the dogs, by NOT BLAMING MYSELF for the things I do not do beyond these non-negotiables.

Thanks for listening. Much love always -- fmk

P.S.  My first action now will be to brush my teeth.


Anonymous said...

Frances...can I just say how much I like you? It seems that every word you write speaks to me, but this especially. I think that is, in part, because I sense the fragile balance in it all, the deliberate caution with which each step is made, knowing how important it is to make sure your feet are firmly beneath you before taking the next step, or the one after that. That speaks to me, because I find myself in that place lately as well.

You're a smart, strong, beautiful person. (Yes, you ARE. Don't argue.) And my world makes more sense because I know I'm not alone in feeling these things - in other words, my world is a better, safer-feeling place because you exist. Thank you for that!

Anne said...

Ah. I feel much more intentional now. Thank you Frances.

Anonymous said...

Frances, I like you too. I need to make a list like that for my sponsor, then do what is on it. Congrats on 20 days. I loved Passing for thin, and felt bad that I have been too damned broke to get Angry Fat Girls/Eating Ice Cream with my dog. Hang in there. You are making progress at something it is so damned hard to do. Maria. PS: you don't know me but I am abstinent again after a huge relapse and regaining over half my lost weight myself.

Eating as a Path to Yoga said...

I love this. It lets me know that I am not alone.

Lisa Ortigara Crego said...

Congratulations on 20 days Frances. Thank you for sharing your journey. Great blog!


Anonymous said...

I like you so much Frances and I have a huge crush on your writing talent. Please accept my gratitude today for you being you. C/

Kourtney said...

Are you finding any other side effects from the meds? I think the best thing you can do for yourself is continue to express your self through writing and find support in those around you.

Keep up the hard work