Friday, March 19, 2010

Long Time, No Blog

The Sprain took two months in a walking boot-cast to heal. It wasn't pretty but after six days in regular shoes I guess it was inevitable. The weather locked me in & my lack of options locked me in. I shut down in order to survive myself. The only things I was interested in were farm games on Facebook, chick lit novels & dessert. I had to hire a walker for Daisy for several weeks. Do you know how wrong that felt?

My ankle hurts a little today but I guess that's inevitable as well. As soon as I began to be more mobile, even in the boot, I began to pursue errands that had piled up. Today I walked all over Montague Street & environs, getting my hair cut & going to the bank & picking up a prescription. I wore shoes that weren't bad for my still-swollen foot but weren't as supportive as the others I've opted for. I find myself tired this evening, too tired to attack cleaning the top of my desk or looking for some software that's gone missing (which has entailed cleaning where no man -- but all the dog hair -- has gone before). I'm writing a dull blog at the plaint of a friend. I'm afraid my words are few.

For the duration of the Sprain, I depended mostly on my cell phone because my portable phone didn't work & my back up old-fashioned phone threatened to trip me & has no capacity for storing numbers. This meant I didn't make many calls either. Finally, today, I went to Radio Shack with the two-year warranty I'd for once taken out on it. The manager opened up the receiver and reconnected the battery.

Can you say stupid?

It's been that kind of winter. Telephonically challenged. I misplaced the software for my new camera & even though I couldn't go voyaging for snow photos & even though I wouldn't admit it to myself, it was like another language gone missing. The Radio Shack manager also suggested I go to the Canon website & simply download the software.

Score two for stupid.

But in my mobile state, I'm itchy to...I don't know what the verb is. Live? Join my species? I love my Canon but it's a big hulking thing so I bought an Olympus that was on sale and will fit in a pocket. It will be good to start speaking & conversing in images again.

We won't talk about my weight although I may be more gloomy about it than the reality. My therapist said he didn't see a change in my body.

My therapist also edged around the possibility of hospitalizing me for depression. That scared the shit out of me. I worked very hard to rise above that need. Laundry one day, bed the next -- for a week or so I vacillated between getting dressed & staying in bed with Daisy, who has been a real trooper through this. In retrospect, which is really only two weeks or so, it seems as though my "accomplishments" included laundry, doing the dishes, taking a shower. I will remember this winter as the Sprain but I won't remember much of what I did beyond raising vegetables on Farmville & the grit in bed that the dog & I collaborated on because I had to wear the boot all the time. Oh, & Vicodin. That was nice.

Life is going from zero to sixty now. I'm seeing Riverdance tomorrow night. Friends from Seattle are in town for the next few days. I leave for Seattle & Portland to do book stuff on Wednesday. Somehow or another the publisher of Berkley has handed off the form & price of my next book(s) to me & my editor. My agent called earlier to tell me to make an appointment with my editor to figure it out but a day of errands left me too tired to really understand what the hell this means. It hurts my feelings that Angry Fat Girls has had such a lousy run of it, that even my fucking hometown newspaper hasn't reviewed it. It's a more important book than Passing for Thin because it is NOT a fairy tale & the hope it offers is the hope each of us has to find in our own truths.

For a couple of difficult months, my truth has been a small dark ghetto. I didn't have hope. I barely had endurance. But endurance had to be enough.

18 comments:

Leslie said...

As a new follower, I was thrilled to see your blog at the top of the roll on my sidebar. In put you on the roll back when I was reading Passing For Thin and this is the first post you've done since then.
Your winter of Sprain sounds eerily like my winter of Knees. Now 2 arthroscopic procedures since early December - one on each knee in my body's endless effort to share the wealth. I've not been as immobilized as it sounds like you were, but I've been darn near as funky and struggling. For the first knee I only stayed out of work one week, and that proved foolish. For the second torn meniscus that resulted from doing too much too soon after the first, I've been out of work 6 weeks and getting ready to go back next week.
I'm both ready and terrified to return. Trying to lean into the fear and not eat my way into oblivion.

The winter of Knees has given way to the winter of weight gain. Not terrible, but enough to render me doughy and dimply. This is not a combo you want to go for.

I hope the light begins shining into your darkness - sounds as though it already has. I've started Angry Fat Girls but am in one of those places where I do better reading magazines than books. You're writing is wonderful so I'm expecting to find it at least as powerful as Passing for Thin.

Hang in there!

altopower said...

I know the last months have been hard with the Sprain happening at the same time as Rotten Weather, but didn't realize quite HOW hard. Your FB posts didn't convey the whole of it.

Riverdance is amazing and wonderful. Each time I came away energized and excited by the dancing and lively music. May it raise your spirits as well.

Thanks for posting. I've missed reading you here.

Quilting Martha said...

Nice to see you back Frances. Maybe the lengthening days will lift your spirits. I read "Angry Fat Girls." It certainly struck a chord with me (and the 60 or so pounds I've lost and regained multiple times over the last 25 years)

Cindy...154 said...

I can boost your book sales this week because I really want to buy a copy and read it! I was hospitalized for depression a couple of weeks ago because I got honest with the ER one day. I am so glad to see a post from you and glad you are able to get out and about. Having to get Daisy walked - I know that must have got to you. anyway, I am looking forward to reading your book, thanks for reminding me. It's been a very chaotic year for me and it is only three months in..hang in there.

The Coz said...

It's good to see you posting again. I'm so sorry to hear about the winter of the Sprain and the depression. I hope it all turns around for you soon and the rest of the year will prove much happier than the first part for you.

I am interested to learn your schedule of appearances for Seattle. I checked the Angry Fat Girls website but it just said the schedule will be announced. Is that where I should keep checking back?

My best wishes for you, mind body and soul.

Marian said...

Re: clumsiness. Last Thanksgiving: I had been living at my (birth) aunt's for about three weeks and we were having holiday dinner at her mother-in-law's house. MIL is in her 90s, from Montana, not an easy person to know. So of course I have always assumed she hates me (and probably anyone else from NYC for that matter). While preparing dinner, I managed to break an antique light fixture. I muttered apologies and wanted to crawl all the way back to New York. Then while I was sweeping up, my aunt said to me "God bless, you may be clumsy but you come by it honestly. Your mom was clumsy too."

Cindy said...

Frances,
Please don't call PFT a fairy tale. It is a book that offers hope and tells of a difficult journey. AFG is also real and offers hope of surviving re-gaining. Each book has it's tale to tell. Each holds value to your readers. They are a team. I am living AFG right now, but my wish is to return to the success of PFT and maybe even moving beyond it and finding comfort and peace is a smaller body. Maybe that's a fairy tale... maybe. But I need it to be possible, so don't take it away from me by denying your powerful book's value and meaning. OK?

Anonymous said...

PJ: So glad to see you're back here. We've missed you!

Anonymous said...

It's a shame that AFG didn't blaze a new trail. I thought it was well-written, raw and also interesting and wise. Perhaps it touched a smaller amount of people than PFT, but I assure you that it was a deeper impact. At least, for me it was.

Vickie said...

My therapist said that this was a HARD winter for many people on many levels.

The sunlight thing was a big part of it. She said people that are not normally impacted - were this year - and those that are normally impacted - it hit particularly hard. And I suspect that is many of US.

I too have had one thing after another since Christmas. and it continues. As I get past each 'one' thing - another thing surfaces and sucks.

On AFG - the truth is not normally in people's top ten. And the general population just wants a quick cosmetic fix. They do not want to do the work. They do not want to SEE what is below the surface. They run from what is there.

Those of US that really matter - got it - and understood. We are the shiny faces above the masses. And we respect and honor your writing.

Vickie said...

My therapist said that this was a HARD winter for many people on many levels.

The sunlight thing was a big part of it. She said people that are not normally impacted - were this year - and those that are normally impacted - it hit particularly hard. And I suspect that is many of US.

I too have had one thing after another since Christmas. and it continues. As I get past each 'one' thing - another thing surfaces and sucks.

On AFG - the truth is not normally in people's top ten. And the general population just wants a quick cosmetic fix. They do not want to do the work. They do not want to SEE what is below the surface. They run from what is there.

Those of US that really matter - got it - and understood. We are the shiny faces above the masses. And we respect and honor your writing.

jen said...

I have to admit, I prefer fairy tales to reality. Who wouldn't? Most blog-to-bookers in the weight loss genre seem to struggle after their books come out. The dailiness of weight maintenance is such a pain. Plus there are the reasons people got fat in the first place, which aren't as easy to deal with as everyone seems to think. It's one thing to know something, another to live it.

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laura said...

Oops, I'm sorry Francis, I must have hit enter too soon. I hope you can afford to have your vitamin D level checked. I suspect you are very low. I was and went on a prescription dose of 50,000 and already I feel better. You were cooped up and even being in Arizona for awhile probably didn't raise the level. The prescription is for 2 months and then you can supplement if you do not get a lot of natural light, even walking the dogs. It's a cheap prescription...$16.00.

Anonymous said...

I ordered your book a week ago and have started to read it. SO far too much of it has hit home with me. The sadness and darkness that I feel when I realize just how much weight I have gained. The sickness I feel in my heart when I realize how far I've slid. My depression comes mostly at night after all the busy parts of the day have passed. Sometimes I want to be in the hospital but I know it's all just a wish and the reality isn't that great.

I'm glad I found you all. Somehow it makes me calmer.

It sounds like a rough few months. Sometimes it doesn't make sense why things happen. I hope that the light begins to brighten.

Patricia said...

I know you wrote this a while ago, but it spoke to me. I just finished reading Angry Fat Girls - I found Passing for Thin at a used book sale at a used booksale earlier this year and as soon as I finished it I went looking for more. The two books together are powerful.

I think Angry Fat Girls may turn into a word-of-mouth sensation given time. It's not a book the media wants to pick up, but I think it's a book a lot of people will want to read. I'm doing my bit for it, I'll tell you!

I'm glad to hear there's more coming. You are a talented writer, and I hope you get the chance to publish your writings on other subjects too. I for one would buy them!

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