Friday, July 31, 2009

Identity Crisis Abating

You've shown so much support, concern and wisdom in how to handle my unwitting parachute jump, that I owe you both thanks and the partial resolution.

I think the metaphor I felt earlier this week was standing on sand as the tide moves out. I see it now as an identity crisis, not helped by simple things like not being able to get hold of my sales rep at the Canadian drugstore from which I order my steeply discounted Zoloft (don't worry: I ponied up the $40 for a two-week supply and will do it again if I have to) or wondering when a client would pay me.

It's pretty easy to see now that I and my agent, in tandem, made enough noise at my editor to get a verbal, positive response to the revised manuscript I turned in eleven weeks ago: I needed, to told my editor, to know where I stand with her in order to stand. I've become a kind of aunt to my parents which is shocking at the immature age of 52. The silence regarding the thing I love best in the world -- writing -- stripped me of an enormous part of my self. As soon as I got the validation I needed (the manuscript will be accepted), I felt like I could breathe and plan to move on.

The next masks, of course, and fashioned to suck me away from everything I love, are depression and compulsive eating. I know how much my mood is improved by being abstinent. I know how much more I can feel that I'm a writer and an author. By accepting the restrictions of my food plan, I can accept more easily the fact that I really can't do anything about my parents' situation, that it's their journey and by being with them, the journey stops.

The only person I'd like to talk to about all of this (it's so complicated; we've been through so many rounds of discussion and argument; their moods change three times a day) is my brother. His last response to me was to go to church and pray. That's good advice but not quite sufficient. His wife is in the loop so the loneliness of the looniness isn't as acute. So I have one tool and one action: accept the need for me to let them assess their happiness, health and peace of mind.

My favorite dog moves to the `burbs next week. The failure of a couple of family members to respond is another feeling of loss. I could get tremendously angry at losing my abstinence but I don't, frankly, have the energy. I have just about enough energy to try to make in through Day Two and to thank you all for listening. I'll be in the Rooms tomorrow.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Glad to hear about your manuscript. I;m looking forward to reading your next book. --Jessica

Cindy said...

Day two... you are so brave. As I've mentioned before, you are my hero!

jen said...

I have been wondering how you were. Hopefully things will move forward enough on the book that you can relax a bit.

LG said...

It's good that you heard more about the book. It is frustrating with all of the things going on with your parents. I understand why. You're getting your abstinence back and taking care of yourself which is the important thing. xoxo

Anonymous said...

We will always listen - your words are so meaningful in so many ways. Please never silence your thoughts they mean the world to many of us.....laura

Anne D. said...

Congrats, Frances, on the MS acceptance. It's great that you and your agent pushed on this. Silence can be enervating.

I especially love what you said here about abstinence:
"I know how much my mood is improved by being abstinent. I know how much more I can feel that I'm a writer and an author. By accepting the restrictions of my food plan, I can accept more easily the fact that I really can't do anything about my parents' situation..."

The notion of feeling MORE through abstinence strikes a chord with me. I wonder how much I stuff food in myself to stifle unwanted feelings of anxiety, dread, etc. -- to deaden myself.

Keep on keeping on. And thank you for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Frances -
Another congratulations on the MS acceptance -
I just spent a week's vacation on Cape Cod and re-read PFT - you are so talented - thank you for sharing your wonderful talent with us-
LynninRI

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this journey with us--you are inspiring. Sending you good wishes. C/

Anonymous said...

Congratulations, Frances on both the book and on your renewed abstinence. The strength that you show by starting again is amazing.

Laura said...

Great news about the book. I'm glad that worry is off of you now.

The depression clouds everything. I know how hard it is to make a life when depression is acting like one of JK Rowling's dementors. I hope you are seeing your psychiatrist too. Maybe meds need adjusting? With all you've been through lately, it's no wonder the depression is gaining ground. It takes a lot of the good brain chemicals to deal with what you're dealing with. They need to be replenished one way or another. Which does explain the need to eat at night & the Ben & Jerry's flirtations. Your brain's gonna get what it needs, regardless of what you really want. You know?

Thinking of you.

lose 50 pounds easily said...

looking forward to read more

Anonymous said...

Good day !.
You re, I guess , probably curious to know how one can reach 2000 per day of income .
There is no need to invest much at first. You may start earning with as small sum of money as 20-100 dollars.

AimTrust is what you need
The company incorporates an offshore structure with advanced asset management technologies in production and delivery of pipes for oil and gas.

Its head office is in Panama with offices around the world.
Do you want to become an affluent person?
That`s your choice That`s what you desire!

I`m happy and lucky, I started to take up income with the help of this company,
and I invite you to do the same. It`s all about how to select a correct partner utilizes your funds in a right way - that`s it!.
I earn US$2,000 per day, and my first investment was 500 dollars only!
It`s easy to get involved , just click this link http://yhurerajyj.o-f.com/ygepuxa.html
and go! Let`s take our chance together to become rich

Anonymous said...

Courpofforict, clomid online AlmomiScoorry, [url=http://www.webjam.com/clomidonline]buy clomid[/url] StekawacheHek
23

Anonymous said...

Hi there!
I would like to burn a theme at this forum. There is such a nicey, called HYIP, or High Yield Investment Program. It reminds of ponzy-like structure, but in rare cases one may happen to meet a company that really pays up to 2% daily not on invested money, but from real profits.

For quite a long time, I make money with the help of these programs.
I don't have problems with money now, but there are heights that must be conquered . I make 2G daily, and I started with funny 500 bucks.
Right now, I managed to catch a guaranteed variant to make a sharp rise . Turn to my web site to get additional info.

[url=http://theblogmoney.com] Online investment blog[/url]

Anonymous said...

Hello everyone!
I would like to burn a theme at this forum. There is such a thing, called HYIP, or High Yield Investment Program. It reminds of ponzy-like structure, but in rare cases one may happen to meet a company that really pays up to 2% daily not on invested money, but from real profits.

For quite a long time, I make money with the help of these programs.
I'm with no money problems now, but there are heights that must be conquered . I make 2G daily, and my first investment was 500 dollars only.
Right now, I managed to catch a guaranteed variant to make a sharp rise . Visit my web site to get additional info.

http://theinvestblog.com [url=http://theinvestblog.com]Online Investment Blog[/url]

Anonymous said...

woodsesty, levitra online, DinoEndorgo, http://virb.com/levitraonline levitra online, twepitiencisy, order levitra, thaccumence, http://www.protopage.com/orderlevitra levitra

Anonymous said...

chararorylarp, buy zyrtec, Carardykats, [url=http://www.webjam.com/zyrteconline]zyrtec[/url], Glaccerve

Anonymous said...

TexanyThync, viagra tramadol zithromax carisoprodol buy cialis, piluerryMer