Sunday, April 26, 2009

What Am I???

This is the most wrinkled weekend in New York City. We all knew we were in for the usual April blast of unseasonably warm weather but we couldn't quite believe it. I think everyone had to dig into boxes and bags to find something to wear & no one did it in time to actually iron. It will be 87 degrees today but by Tuesday we'll have highs in the 60's -- & mornings in my down coat which I want to throw away.

Because I'm on the street a lot, I get complaints every day about the cold. "It's cold for April." Well, no, I say. Easter two years ago fell in April & I wore snow boots to dinner & there was snow on the magnolias. "This is unbelievably warm weather for April" & I think of how every year, we have a heat wave & the movie theaters haven't gotten their air conditioning running & all the flowers pop out at once.

It's most distressing for people like Us. Not only are our bodies now much more public, but we have to go through summer clothes for what fits.

For my part, this was an exceedingly pointless waste of time because I had one three-quarter length white t-shirt still in its virgin bag & a pair of linen pants in the closet that I only remembered after opening four vacuum-sealed bags, creating an enormous stack of wrinkles & having to try a lot of things on. I looked OK until we got to the barbecue & Daisy jumped up on my perfect white shirt with garden-muddy paws. (Shoes continue to be a problem because my foot is still slightly swollen & I'm wearing a nifty thingie that compresses the metatarsal bones. It's not cumbersome but it's one more filler between me and whatever hard-soled shoes I have for summer. I had to wear my wool Heflingers.)

I'm sticking too close to a plateau of 240 for my comfort right now, although I have forsaken my scale again after a couple of days of disbelief that I didn't weigh a little less &, finally, a two-tenths loss yesterday morning. That way madness lies. Still, I'd love to lose enough weight to have a field day with all those bags. (And the bags buried deeper.) My winter Rat Clothes -- how I designate my dog walking duds -- are pretty droopy after 30 pounds but I'm not quite into the next size down in my summer clothes.

I wonder if my body is resisting leaving 240. I'm pretty good for a 30-pound loss but have traditionally in the last few years stalled out there & then regained it & some more. I'm desperate not to do this again. In revising Angry Fat Girls, I hit a spot about why I can't settle into Fat Serenity & it was a bolt of electricity I needed.

Or maybe my body, having lost 30 pounds, simply needs time to rest & reorganize.

& then let's remember that I've had three weeks of favoring my right foot. I began walking Hero last week but the biggest walk is the better part of a mile to Henry's. Not only did I feel last week that my foot wasn't ready for four miles, but the last several blocks are brick and cobblestone streets, very picturesque but scary as hell for someone who, every six months, is obligated to trip over nothing & skin her knees.

Until I started walking Hero again -- almost two miles round trip before excursions -- I was having a hard time with dinner. I wasn't hungry, which made me not want to mess up the kitchen or go to any trouble. At the same time, I want to eat. It didn't feel natural not to. Had I simply gone to bed without supper, I'd be having 800-calorie days & that's just stupid.

A dangerous spot for someone like me. H'mmm. Convenience. No convenience foods are good for me. Sweet immediately sounds right. So I'd go out & get Fage yogurt & have that for dinner. It's delicious, abstinent, calorically on target, expensive, & very very dangerous.

I've come to the conclusion I can't have yogurt in the house for a while. If I'm going to have it for dinner, I'll have to walk the three or four blocks to get it.

I'd like to blame my yogurt habit for this stall-out as I pack up most of the clothes & hose them small enough for storage. Many of those clothes fit but many more need me to lose another ten pounds. But I don't think it's only the yogurt. I think it's a whole lot more wrinkly & complicated than that.

Day 72, by the way. 30.2 pounds lost. Anything between 20 - 22 is fair game.


Lori G. said...

Ugh, it's been hot here too and I'm looking through my stuff for clothes to wear (and can hide my upper arms).

Things have been out of whack for you, the weather being the latest thing. Your foot, the walks, clothes, etc. You're being more aware of this and maybe you're having a heightened sense of what things should be. Just remember to keep in mind all of the other things going on too.

You're wonderful as usual!

Unknown said...

I like your new pic. Your face is definitely looking slimmer.

My weight tends to plateau, too. And for some years, 240 was its "set point." Alas, this year for a variety of reasons, I have managed to eat my way up over 250. DAMN. And here I am in a tank top on this gloriously hot day, with one of those old-lady big bellies bulging right under my boobs. The me I swore I'd never be.

Must get constructive. Get past self-hate. You are inspiring.

April said...

You are awesome! I love the line about being obligated to fall and scrape something for no apparent reason. I, too, suffer from lack of grace, so I can identify! This was a wonderful post and EXACTLY what I needed to read today. Thank you!

Laura N said...

Persist past the plateau. You can beat it. Don't let it beat you. It's a mental game right now. & you are stronger than that damn plateau.

Oh, I so understand about the yogurt. It looks innocent enough but, alas, it's wickedly good & not scale friendly.

I like your new pic too. Can definitely see some progress in your face.

Good to see your regular postings here! I'll go click on the PT blog, too. Didn't know you were getting royalties for clicks. I'll check there a lot more now. :)

Laura N said...

I think the link to the PT blog on this blog isn't right. I tried it several times & it never worked. Might check it out.

Cindy said...

Panic always sets in for me on the first hot day and the onset of shorts (and short sleeves) weather. Congrats on the 72 days, that is absolutely fantastic!!