Saturday, October 11, 2008

Step by Step

Many, many thanks to everyone who responded to my last post. What a burden I have been to you and to myself. I'm getting better, three steps forward and one back. It's been fascinating [to me] to watch myself.

How did I start to pull out of the tailspin? I think that by the time I wrote my last post I was already pulling out -- I have no words when I'm in the depths. I was able to cry by last weekend. I have no tears in the depths. I confessed to a few people what had been building, including my mother. I hide my self when I'm in the depths.

I had a simpler week than usual, which helped because I'm tired when I'm coming out of the woods. It's like a long bad flu. The old energy takes a while to come back. I had little writing assignments to do. A brief review of a friend's book, an AFG post (the awfulness of which nearly knocked me back into the woods), a Lab Lady post, some overdue emails. I cleaned the bathroom sink, swept thoroughly, finished some reading, took clothes to the thrift shop. Such small things but such normal things and triumphs over the comparative catatonia of depression.

Now I need to get my food truly in order. I need to get started on the next chapter of my novel. I need to get out of the house without a dog and without a shopping list. I need to work on my apartment, a fact which is out of my hands until one of two men I've asked fixes the wall my air conditioner crisis crashed in.

Mostly I need to tell you I'm seeing more light than dark. I heard from one more old friend this week who wrote that I should come back to her town for a long visit. "Or maybe longer." It made me cry again; she was inspired to write because she'd had a dream about an adventure we had when we were 18. A lot of my past seems to want to reclaim me. Someplace early in the week I thought, hey. Frances. You matter to these people you've envied for thirty years. I missed SO much...but I was there in some way that some of these old friends haven't forgotten. I watched while they acted but in doing so, I can pinpoint their motivations and spin them. Watchers don't forget much. Thirty years of synthesis has its own merit badge.

I couldn't see two sides a week ago. I needed light. I've begun to get it. I've got to be careful. I'm reading a lot about schizophrenia right now but need to parse it out. I need to sleep. I'm going out to Arizona for five days but I'm collecting little projects to do out there and I'm taking a big Harry Potter book.

I ate junk last night. It could unglue me. I have THIS day to pull it around. I have dogs to take care of. I have Klonopin to get me to sleep. I took a very long nap this morning with no regrets, and I just had some yogurt and half a too-ripe pear. I can do this; I can invest in the next step, the next day, the next ray of light.


Tish said...

Welcome back. I'm pulling for you.


Unknown said...

I don't know why you thought your AFG post was bad. People were responding to what seemed like very real pain and worry, and that does not mean that you were whining.

Hope your visit goes smoothly and that you can somehow find a balance between the needs of the aging family and your own. I love that your old friends are reaching out to you too -- shows that you have more to offer than you realize.

Laura N said...

"I had a simpler week than usual." Doesn't that just speak volumes? I think when life gets complicated & overbusy, like yours clearly was/is, it's nearly impossible to make any forward progress.

I'm relieved to hear the light is coming back to you.


Anonymous said...

I've forgotten my blogger name and password, but I think it's Patti J. Anyway, it was good to read this stuff. Those little things like bathroom cleaning and hauling stuff to Goodwill are very energizing steps, and help to keep us moving forward. Some days if I feel like I can't do a thing, I'll force myself to clean one small room or tidy up my desk. One thing leads to another, and I'm usually feeling better before too long. But I do so enjoy reading what you write, because I identify very strongly with the anger, the lethargy, the "not fitting in" part that you describe. Yet the world is a big place. We all fit in somewhere. Maybe in a larger space than some of those we envy, but it's okay, Frances. There's room for all of us. And you contribute so much!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad to hear that things are improving. I hate that they have been so bad. But the light is coming back, and that is wonderful.

One day at a step at a time. You're right. You CAN do this.



Cindy said...

I am glad you are getting in a better space. I can relate to being weary from the battle with self. I also wrestle with not regretting the past. Seems like periodically I have to feel those regrets. I had a mini depression this week in response to being sick and being around my ex boyfriend. I am better today but had to tell people what I was really feeling. Thanks for writing about it. I know it is painful.

Unknown said...

You OK? Faithful reader is just wondering....