Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Heart of hearts

What a strange expression -- "in my heart of hearts". I'm doing a lot of if-only's & I'd-be-happy-if's these days, a branch of frustration that comes from the plodding my book has come to, the pain the book is about, & fear-fear-fear.

In my heart of hearts I wish I was working on my poor neglected novel.

Frustration is such an appetizer. Even civilian friends recount with some shame that when work is hardest their default setting is "a little something would be good right now".

This morning I sat in my kitchen in the chair that just fits between the cupboard & the oven (I have to move it to use the oven), drinking coffee & having a smoke while Daisy lolled in my pillows. I've been talking to instead of begging God lately. I may rename him Buddy as a consequence of this because I've sort of been making him into a best friend -- the buddy a heterosexual man can be 1% of the time or a gay man can be about 75% of the time.

I was thinking about the boyz who are or aren't distantly in my life right now. I could reel any one of them in closer. Buddy sighed. I sighed back. I don't need to think about that today. Their distance is their business & if I let the distances each has go there will be more room for a Better One if the time is right, or more room for one of them to make his own decision about me.

Glad we cleared that up. Did Buddy think I could be abstinent today? Uh-huh -- as long as I don't snatch that commitment back. What about the book? I have a problem with the chapter I'm working on, or maybe a couple of problems. The content is solid but how does it pertain to relapse per se & what is the plotline of it in regards to the book as a whole? What am I writing today?

Buddy & I came up with two thoughts as regards all of that. OK, I said. Good job. Glad we had this little talk. Time to take the dog for a walk.
& I promptly forgot those two essential thoughts.
Now if Buddy is my best friend as well as having who's-been-naughty/who's-been-nice memory, don't you think he'd remind me of what we were talking about?
Because it's put a damper on my day, those missing insights or ideas. One of those boyz called. & I'm starving.


Anne M. said...

Who's to say that Buddy won't be there for you tomorrow, having indeed remembered what you talked about for The Book?

Unknown said...

Buddy -- I like that. Keep talking, and you'll either get those ideas back or find a better one. Maybe you need a Buddy notebook.

I think that I'm getting prodded to get back to work myself, but I'm with you on hunger as an appetizer. Trying to work with cookies in the house -- dumb.

Bea said...

Buddy talks to Mary. Has for years. She has rows of journals filled with these conversations. He doesn't talk to me. Mary says he is talking I just can't hear the "small voice." Says I am not yet still enough. I ask how do I get stiller? Practise she says. (She talks like that.) Here's to you getting stiller and hearing Buddy's small or large voice.

Cindy said...

My Buddy's voice is a quiet, calm, and firm voice, usually an immediate response. It is hard to explain but I know it when I hear it. I do not hear it all the time. Perhaps I hear it more when have been engaged more in meditation and spiritual exercises.

Anonymous said...

I used to tell my first year comp. students that saying exactly what one means is the hardest thing in the world. "You can't come tap me on the shoulder and explain what your sentence means," I told them. Some people got it; others thought I was just being a hardass.